Chapter Seventeen: My Recycled Soul by Lynette Ferreira
Everyone in the lounge starts talking at the same time and I hear Connell say he is going to light a fire and Sarah asking for music requests.
Without saying anything, Jared takes me by the hand, and I follow him up the stairs and into a room off the upstairs hall. I assume it is Connell’s room. It is messy!
Jared moves all the stuff on the bed onto the floor with one hand, and then he sits down on the bed, still holding my hand.
He looks up at me apologetically. “We can’t talk in the lounge, and you would catch your death if I took you outside. You have not gotten used to the winters here and they can be harsh. We could sit on the floor if you preferred and…” He smiles his crooked smile. “I promise I won’t lead you into temptation.”
I sit down beside him on the bed, folding my one leg in under me and then I turn myself so that I am facing him.
Letting go of my hand, he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, entwining his hands in front of him. Looking back at me unsure, past his arm, he takes a deep breath and then he says seriously, talking fast, as if he needs to get something off his chest before he loses his nerve, “Before we can talk about anything else, I have to make sure of something and if I seem to come on too strongly, I am sorry. So…” He pauses briefly, and then he starts, “I am sure you have already heard all the rumours about me and…” He trails off again.
I nod my head yes.
He looks vulnerable. “So, you must realize my heart is on the line here, because after her I swore, I would never put myself in such a vulnerable position again. I would never again allow myself to feel anything remotely linked with love.” He looks away from me and down at his hands. He continues, almost in a whisper, “But, I think no matter what I do, how much I try to protect myself; I have no chance against you.”
“Me?” I laugh softly. “I think it is more a situation of me having to protect myself against you, after the way you treated me. You cannot be all over me one day and then the next avoid me, it’s mean.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, but I know what I want now.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, anything.” He looks back at me reflectively.
“I hear you have never been with another girl since Sarah, is it because you still love her?”
He turns on the bed, facing me. “Would I sit here and declare my love for you, give you my heart and ask you to please look after it with great care, if I still loved Sarah?”
My heart jumps into my throat. My mind starts to roar, and I know not long from now, it will be so loud I would not be able to hear myself think. Somehow, I manage to keep my expression serious. “But what if Sarah comes to her senses one day and decides you are the one she wants and then when you compare the two of us, you might suddenly realize being with me is a mistake.”
“You, Elizabeth, make my heart beat so fast it makes it difficult for me to breathe. My heart races at the sight of you. I feel this deeper connection with you, even though I hardly know you.”
My pulse is racing now, but still I ask uncertainly, “You can’t be serious about giving me your heart though, because as you said, you barely know me. We only met a few days ago.”
He smiles, as if he knows a secret. “I might not know the intricate details of you yet, but I became aware of you long ago. To be precise, that very first day you walked through the school gate. I thought going to rugby training camp would clear my mind of you, but all it did was make me think of you even more.” He grins mischievously. “No sneak peeks at you are torture.”
I look at him amazed. “You noticed me on my first day at school?”
“I did. You always looked so sad and vulnerable. I wanted to reach out to you, but could not bring myself to do it, because I knew I could never just be your friend. When I got back from training camp, I asked Connell about you, and he suggested we all go to the beach. I really hoped you would also go. Connell knows how I feel about you and from the beginning he has been trying constantly to convince me to speak to you.”
“So, yesterday? Why were you avoiding me then?”
“After the beach I dropped Aaron off first, because it was my intention to tell you how I felt, but then you said your parents are upset with you. I could not sit in front of your house, expressing my feelings, knowing your dad might come rushing out at any moment. Then, by the time I got home, I decided there was no way you could feel the same way about me as I feel about you. I kept thinking I should walk away before… So, I decided to rather try harder at avoiding you. Obviously, as you can see, without any success.” He continues seriously, “I went to school the following day with the firm conviction to keep away from you. I noticed the hurt in your eyes when I was so rude to you after you came into the room, bringing sunshine with you. All I could think of all day was you and decided I do not care what happens. I could not handle the uncertainty any longer and I knew I wanted to be with you. I was on my way to find you and to explain my offensive behaviour, but then I saw you and Aaron hugging. I thought you had something going for Aaron anyway and it was only in my imagination that you liked me, because I wanted so much for you to feel the same way as I do.”
