Chapter Six: My Recycled Soul by Lynette Ferreira
At that very moment, a beam of sun breaks through the top of the trees, shining down on me. As the light glows over me, amazingly a sense of acceptance washes through me, and I can feel the warmth move from my head through to my toes. It suddenly feels as if everything will be okay, and I will be all right.
Impulsively I decide to try to fit in here. After all, I
suppose, I can try to be happy and give up on loneliness and emptiness—to try
to make at least one friend.
This is the turning point for me.
The next day Jane starts talking to me in French class, and
she invites me to spend break with her. She introduces me to her friends,
Aaron, Connell, Siobhan, Sarah and John, and they welcome me into their group
without hesitation.
They ask me a million questions about South Africa, and I
answer all their questions, laughing at the silly ones. It feels, after that
break, as if I have been a friend of Jane and her friends for much longer than
just a day.
When my mum picks me up after school, I feel as if I am not
pretending as much anymore. This is the first day I really notice the green
hills rolling away into the distance. I notice the sheep with all the paint
markings over their bodies grazing in the fields. I notice the neat squares of
hedges, and the grey clouds blanketing us in.
Do not get me wrong, I still feel empty and bare on the
inside, but now I can see a tiny, bright light at the end of this long, dark
tunnel.
I get out of bed, with the sun flooding into my room.
I rush over to the window and looking out, the skies are
clear, and the blue is so far above me, high up in the sky. This is going to be
a beautiful day, I think elated.
It is indescribable how just this one little thing—a clear,
sunny day—can lift a person’s mood and soul. Somehow the clear blue sky makes
my heart rejoice, my bones tingle. I suddenly have an excited expectation that
life is great and there is a larger meaning to everything after all.
When I get to school, Jane is waiting for me at the gate,
and I wonder why it took her so long to find me. She could have saved me from
weeks of misery and smelly toilets, trying to hide from the cleaners.
I conveniently forget that I distanced myself from all human
interaction, and I was the one who managed to avoid her on more than one
occasion. Even if she did discover my lunchbreak hiding place, she would have
only found my body, not me. I did not want anybody to speak to me then. I did
not want to be here, until that afternoon in my sanctuary, when that warm bit
of sun glowed over me.
While walking beside her down the pavement to the school
building, she leans toward me, saying with a hint of conspiracy in her voice,
“Aaron likes you.”
I look at her quizzically. “Me? How could he, we only met
yesterday?”
“Aaron, who sits in front of you in Science,” she explains.
“I know which Aaron,” I reply evasively.
“He has liked you since your arrival, looking at you with
those puppy-dog eyes. I am surprised you never noticed.”
“I never paid attention.”
“Well, we all met at Siobhan’s house during mid-term break
one day, and I have to admit, we did discuss you.”
I look at her astounded. “Discussed me?”
Jane laughs embarrassed. “Don’t worry; it was all nice
things—honestly.”
“I don’t understand why you all met to discuss me?”
“We didn’t meet to only discuss you.” She giggles
embarrassed. “But, to be honest, we have been discussing you on and off over
the last few weeks.” She looks at me, with a serious look on her face. “If I
could have found you during breaks or had the guts to approach you during
class, we wouldn’t have been so intrigued by you.” She continues hesitantly,
“You always looked so distant and stuck-up, but then after mid-term break you
seemed different, more open and accepting, so I took my chance and spoke to you.”
I look away embarrassed and wait for her to continue.
“Well, anyhow Aaron adores you, and he asked me if I know
whether you like him, so I am asking.”
“I am not really interested,” I try to explain awkwardly,
without sounding harsh, while I look at her apologetically.
A flash of relief washes over her face for just the briefest
moment. “Well, anyway, here we are.”
We have reached our science classroom, and I know Aaron is
in there somewhere. I feel anxious having to deal with this now.
Aaron is staring at me nervously as I walk through the
doorway behind Jane, and she nudges me in the ribs with her elbow.
“Ouch!” I whisper and think annoyed that I have just made
friends with them, but now I am creating tension between us. Still when he
smiles at me, I smile in return.
Typical Elizabeth, please everyone, why don’t you?
During the next couple of weeks, Jane, Aaron and I
hang out as a group. Sarah and Connell are in fifth year, while John and
Siobhan have eyes only for each other, so we only meet up with them on the odd
occasion.
Aaron is basically a very perceptive person and realizes
very soon we would only ever be friends, without me having to tell him
directly. This is a great relief, although at times I still see a glimmer of
hope in his eyes, especially when it starts to look as if I am not interested
in anyone else either.
It is early December and winter is fast approaching. The
days are much shorter and bright, cloudless days are infrequent, but it is one
of those rare sunny days.
We are standing at our lockers, talking excitedly about the
weather. Connell unexpectedly turns toward me and says in his abrupt way,
“Elizabeth, seeing as it is such a lovely day, one of the five a year we
experience here in Ireland, Jared phoned me and suggested we all go down to the
beach this afternoon. Are you up for it?”
Looking up at him bewildered, I step back surprised.
Aaron answers for me, “That sounds great, Connell. I’ll tell
Siobhan, John and Sarah.”
