Chapter 8: William the Damned by Lynette Ferreira
The voice of Susanna interrupts his dreams and he hears her whisper on the cold breeze when he stands under the dark night sky. She is in his thoughts without end and there she will remain for all his life. He wonders what she is doing. Could she be pregnant? Reluctantly he realises that for Susanna this would be a blessing because do all women not fundamentally want children of their own. If she chose him and he turned her, together they could never have had children. In addition, if they had made love before she made her choice, and she fell pregnant, he would have essentially sentenced her to death. Considering the facts, there are so many reasons why they could never have been together. Ultimately, Susanna made the right decision for her and unselfishly William was willing to make the sacrifice for her happiness. Still, he imagines life with her, spending the night with her, every night. Sometimes he wonders if her mind fills with thoughts of him as well or, has she forgotten all about him?
Each night, he dives into the vast expanse of cool, dark
waters splashing against the hull of the ship. He leaps into the black water
and then he dives as deep down as he can, swimming with the sharks, hoping they
would kill him, but they never come near him, always swimming away when he
approaches them.
He drifts on his back in the water on nights when the moon
is full and you can see every crevice on the surface of the pale round ball
hanging in the sky, imagining the moon reflecting off his pale skin, sends
messages back into the universe, messages of longing and hope to Susanna.
For some time now, Edward has been vying for the position of
captain. He would come and stand with William at the bow and together they
would look over the ocean, silently.
One night Edward turns to William. “Since Charlotte left,
you have not captained this ship well. I fear mutiny is in the air. We hardly
come across other ships lately and the men are hungry and disgruntled. They are
angry and yesterday Paul and Stephen killed each other in a rage of fury, while
you were swimming.”
William looks pensively across the water. “I know. I have
been distracted. We should sail to the island and I will take my share of the
gold, silver and jewels.”
“Who
is going to captain the ship when you leave?”
William sneers scornfully, “You, of course, Edward. I have seen
the men listen to you. You have already started captaining the ship. I am really
just in the way; besides, I think the pirate life is over for me.”
Edward smiles pleased. “Once you leave, you will miss it.”
“If
I do, I know where to find you.”
“You
will have to scavenge for blood. Are you sure this is what you want?”
William turns to Edward. “Since Charlotte left, it is just not
the same for me.”
“We
have noticed that.”
William does not want to seem weak, so he turns back to face
the sea and he says pensively, “I thought I had everything.”
Edward looks at William, a frown across his face and then he
replies, “We will sail for the island. We should be there in two days.”
William does not reply and Edward walks away to give the
orders for them to change their course.
Each time they sail toward the island where they hide their
treasures, vivid memories flash back to William. The sight of the island
reminds him every time that Susanna had already chosen then she wanted
Francois, although she had not even met him. William never had a chance.
When they get to the island, William takes his share of the
riches they have accumulated and then after goodbyes and promises of meeting up
again, he rows in a boat away toward England.
Weeks later, he arrives at the north-east coast of England
and then in the town of Edinburgh he buys himself a house, surrounding himself
with every luxury and servants.
He orders his servants to keep the heavy curtains drawn closed during the day, so he can walk around in his house. He informs the servants he has a rare disease, which makes him sensitive to the sun, assuming there might be some reservations, but when he needs to feed, he runs into the further reaches of Scotland, into the rural villages and then he steals an innocent victim from their bed. William does not kill people on the streets of Edinburgh where they might look at him suspiciously. They might connect the disappearance of people to his sudden arrival in the town.
TO SUSANNA IT seems as if Francois has lost interest in her.
The love he professed, noticeably lacking. No longer do they go for walks. When
they are together for dinner, they hardly talk. Susanna wonders if his interest
in her was only to spite William and he knew for her mother’s sake she would
choose him. Once she married him, she confirmed her choice undeniably.
Just after they got married, he came to her room every night.
At times, her body betrayed her and when he held her close, and he kissed her
tenderly, his hands exploring her body, she did want him. She felt the burning
desire in the pit of her stomach and she gave herself to him willingly.
Sometimes he stayed the night, although Susanna wished he
would leave. She did not want to listen to the sounds of his breathing. Seeing
Francois in her bed reminded her of William’s last words when he said she would
be in her husband’s arms, while he was out there in the night.
On nights like these, she wondered where he was and if he
ever thought of her. Could he feel the longing in her heart for him in the
vibrations of the surrounding air?
For the last year, she has locked her bedroom door at night.
Francois has openly taken a mistress. Every woman in the upper social circles
whispered Susanna’s name behind their feathered fans when she walked past.
Susanna knows she does not belong here, but as always, she
had no choice. She tried, she honestly did try, to forget William but then
every night when she felt the evening shadows creeping closer, she could not
keep her mind from him.
Francois could not stand the look in Susanna’s eyes any
longer and when the young Mary batted her eyelids at him, he could not resist.
He took Mary the same night he met her and he bestowed every desire he ever had
for Susanna onto Mary. Mary looked at him the way he wished Susanna would, and
he felt loved, although he did not love Mary. His heart remained with Susanna, but
when he was with Mary, he could pretend, close his eyes and make-believe. He
could imagine it was Susanna holding him close, it was Susanna who kissed him
passionately, it was Susanna who gave herself willingly to him.
Susanna has become like a ghost in the château and at times,
he wished he could grab her and shake her to make her realise he was there for
her, that he loved her. His hatred for William ate at his soul.
In the beginning, Susanna pretended and he supposes mostly
to his own doing, when she found out he had a mistress, she completely shut him
out of her life. She still has not given him an heir, but then he has not
touched her, kissed her or felt the whisper of her breath on his chest in the
longest time, since Mary.
Susanna spends hours walking through the manicured gardens
with Carla. They have grown close and Susanna enjoys her company. Carla is also
twenty years old like Susanna and they had the same way of thinking.
Susanna would spend her afternoons with her mother and they
would talk softly, laughing when they talked about their happier memories and
about their lives in England. Susanna assumed her mother missed her home
country, but she was too frail to travel now. Anne has fallen ill and she spent
most of her time in her rooms. When Anne was married to Susanna’s father, she
did not have the easiest life. Susanna suspects her mother did love her father
and he broke her heart by never loving her in return.
When Francois turned forty years old, he decided to celebrate
it in London. The war was over and once again, there was a tentative peace
between England and France. The King of England invited all French Noblemen to
his court, in a gesture of goodwill.
Great enthusiasm was in the air at every social gathering
and one evening, in passing, Francois informs Susanna they would embark on a
voyage to England. Susanna could not help being excited. Her days all melted
into one another and this would change her daily existence dramatically.
When she met with her dressmaker, it was with an exhilarating
difference. She felt young again and a new exuberance filled her days. She
chose fabrics to match her new mood and styles in the latest fashions.
Sometimes she found Francois looking at her differently, the
same way he did when he just met her, but she ignored him. She knows she is at
fault because she mourned William for far too long. However, she has grown used
to being without William and the pain of her loss has faded. Admittedly, on
star-studded evenings, she still could not help thinking about him, but the memories
are becoming more and more fleeting. She used to send her soul out into the
night to look for him, but she is older now and she cannot continue her life pining
over William forever.
She loathes Francois because he told her repeatedly how much
he loved her before they got married as if it was a huge ploy to get her to
marry him, even though he knew she honestly had no choice. Soon after their
first year together, he started an affair with another woman—so much for love.
Anne is very excited when she hears Susanna and Francois will be going to England and deep down in her heart, she hopes the long journey will rekindle the love they felt for each other shortly after they met. Sadly, Anne is too ill to take on the trip and she remains at the château in France.
WHEN SUSANNA WALKS up the gangplank to the deck of the
galleon, she remembers the day she arrived and the promise of a happy future
she had in her heart.
The crew shows her to a large cabin, unlike the little cabin
she had to stay in on her voyage from England to France. She sees the large bed
and dread fills her with the prospect of having to share it with Francois.
Susanna turns to Carla. “Where will Lord Francois be
sleeping,” she whispers.
“He
is sleeping in the cabin next door, Madame.”
Relief washes through Susanna and she smiles thankfully.
After Susanna and Francois have dinner with the captain in
his large cabin, Susanna excuses herself politely and then she walks up to the
deck. She breathes the salty, sea air deep into her and she stands there long
after everything has gone silent.
On her way back to her cabin, walking along the dimly
lighted passageway, she has to walk past Francois’ room. She hesitates briefly
in front of his door, but it is silent in his cabin. She doubts he will bring
his mistress with him to England, but then again, she would never know to which
depths he has sunken.
Walking into her clammy, humid cabin, she sees Francois
sprawled out on her bed. Frowning, she asks, “Is there anything I can help you
with, my lord?”
He gets up from the bed and walking closer to her, he
replies, “Actually you can.”
Susanna clenches her jaws. She must be submissive,
especially now her mother has been ill and frail. How she hates him.
Without touching her, he leans closer to her. “Susanna, have
I not always loved you?”
“Of
course, Francois.”
Susanna keeps her eyes averted, looking at the floor. She
sees the way his legs fill his drawers and she remembers how once, long ago, it
used to excite her, while now it only repulsed her.
He softly puts his arms around her waist and then she looks
up at him defiantly. He looks at her and the love he felt for her, which he
shoved deeply away, when she battered and bruised his heart, resurfaces. Her
eyes never look at him lovingly and never did he feel he was the one. He wanted
so much more, but she never changed the look in her eyes.
His pride once again overpowers his emotions and he stands
away from her, letting his arms drop from her sides. He turns to the door and
he walks out of the cabin. Susanna has a feeling of release wash through her.
Francois and Susanna greet each other politely whenever they
meet on the deck, but they do not speak. They have nothing to say to each
other.
When they arrive in England, a carriage waits for them on the
docks to take them from the harbour into London and to the castle. They are not
the only people on their way to London and the procession of carriages is long
and the trip arduous.
Francois and Susanna sit across from each other in the
carriage. Susanna revels in the scenery. She never realised how much she missed
her country of birth, the country where she grew up.
Francois sits and he looks at Susanna, while she stares out
of the carriage window. Feeling her elated spirit, he sees the joy in her eyes
and his heart burns with hurt. He took a mistress, but Susanna was never far
from his mind. Every moment he spent away from her, tore his soul apart, but
there is no way he would be able to make it up to her, not now, not anymore.
Where he sits brooding, while he stares at her, he also knows he will never let
her go. He will never let William have her.
The carriage drives through the castle gates and Susanna is
awestruck. She has never been inside the inner circle of the castle. Although
her dad was noble and frequented castle balls and affairs, he never invited her
or her mother to court with him.
All the women are dressed stylishly, their hair piled onto
their heads extravagantly. Excited Susanna looks at Francois and then she looks
away uncomfortably.
A footman helps her from the carriage and then smiling, her
arm hooked into the crook of Francois’ arm, they walk together into the great
entrance hall. Susanna looks around her in awe, while Francois squeezes her arm
to his side.
He whispers down to her, “Behave yourself, or did you leave
your manners in France?”
Susanna feels instantly humiliated and then she walks next
to Francois, as she should, with the grace and charm, befitting the Lady
Susanna.
The one feast flows into the next. Francois amuses himself with
the many ladies in waiting, while Susanna spends most of her time in her rooms.
At night, she goes down to the banquet hall, but she never stays late.
On the night of the King’s Ball, Carla helps her get dressed
and Susanna sets her mind on the sapphire blue dress which reflects the exact
colour of her eyes. Susanna decides not to pile her hair on top of her head, as
the latest fashion dictates. It makes her look older than she is, she wants it
hanging low with locks down her back and on the side of her face. Carla puts
rouge on her cheeks, making her already rosy cheeks more pronounced.
When Susanna walks into the banquet hall, she can feel the
room gasp and it boosts her confidence. She never realised she needed the acknowledgement
now and again that she was pretty and desirable.
Across the room, past the crowd of men and women, she looks
into his eyes. William does not acknowledge her, but he keeps her eyes locked
with his.
When Francois comes to stand next to Susanna, William turns
away from her and she follows him with her eyes as he walks out of the massive
doors and away.
All over again, her feelings for him come rushing back. She
remembers his touch, his taste, his smile. She feels immensely sad and her eyes
involuntarily fill with tears.
Francois smiles down at her amused. “I wondered how long it
would take you to notice he is here.”
Susanna turns away from him and she starts to walk to the
door.
Francois holds her by her arm. “If you think I am going to
let you out of my sight, you are greatly mistaken, Madame.” He emphasises the
word, Madame as if she had not realised she was married to him already.
“I
want to go to my room if you do not mind. You may escort me.”
“You
just got here.”
“I
am tired.”
He raises his voice, “For god’s sake, you are always tired.”
Susanna frowns. “Please do not make a scene. Either you let
me go to my room, or you escort me. Please.”
He takes her roughly by her arm and then he walks her through
the long, draughty passageways to her room. When they reach her room, he turns her
to face him. She refuses to look up at him and he talks softly near her ear,
“Susanna, I know every time we made love and every moment of every day, you
were thinking about William. There are so many things in my heart, which I have
left unspoken, but know this, I have always loved you.” He stares down at her
for a moment and then he leaves.
Without a word, Susanna turns to the door behind her. She
opens it and walks into her room.
Carla frowns when she sees her and comes rushing to her
worried. “Madame?”
Susanna breaks down, while she stumbles into Carla’s arms.
Never has she shown any saddened emotions in front of Carla, always pretending
to be happy, but tonight she cannot help herself. If she knew then, what she
knows now, she would have made different choices.
Carla holds her reassuringly, shushing and patting her back
softly.
When Susanna calms down and her tears dry, Carla helps her
to get undressed. Carla does not say anything and goes about her duties
silently. After she made sure Susanna is all right, Carla leaves the room.
Francois stations a guard outside Susanna’s door to make
sure William does not enter and Susanna does not exit the room, without his
knowledge.
Susanna is escorted everywhere with Carla and a guard.
Susanna feels despondent because even if she saw William again, she would not
be able to speak to him, for fear of Francois’ rage. She feels William so
close, she feels his eyes on her yet he remains unattainable.
William feels damned. He is damned to live by night only. He
is damned never to be loved by Susanna. He is damned to love Susanna as much as
he does. Unable to help himself, William watches her in the halls, and he
watches her at dinner. He follows her every step discreetly, waiting for a moment
when he might get to speak to her alone. He would give everything for just the
smallest contact.
Word comes from the château that Anne had passed away
peacefully in her sleep. Susanna receives the news and she is shocked and
deeply saddened her mother passed away without Susanna by her bedside. She
wants to leave immediately, but Francois is raging, because he is not willing
to return just yet, he wants to stay in London much longer than he initially
intended. He is enjoying the social gatherings and the different attitudes of
the women in England from those in France.
William hears of their imminent departure and that evening
in the dining hall, he walks to her. Determinedly he walks past the guard
forever posted by her side and then he slides past Carla, who only looks at him
apprehensively.
Susanna does not see William approaching her, her back is
turned to him. The gaslights filling the room with light make her hair shine
and it radiates off the paleness of her skin. He leans closer to her, without
touching her, although he has to fight the urge to hold her. He whispers,
“Susanna.”
Susanna catches her breath when she recognises his voice.
She turns to face him and immediately her eyes dart across the room to
establish Francois’ whereabouts. She says hurriedly, “I cannot talk to you. I
am so sorry.” She looks up at him, and he can see the look in her eyes. Love
hurts.
William says urgently, “I have to talk to you. Can I come to
your room?”
“No,
of course not,” her mouth says, while her heart yells, Yes, fool.
“Then
meet me somewhere, before you leave to go back to France.”
Susanna looks desperately at Carla, who nods
conspiratorially.
“Okay.
My room, later while the banquet is on,” Susanna says hurriedly.
William bows and then he walks away.
Francois, who was watching the whole scene from across the
room, pushes past the throng of people between him and William.
When Francois reaches William, he hisses, “This has gone on
long enough. I will help you get rid of your miserable existence. If not for
you, Susanna would have loved me.”
William looks at Francois amused, a sinister smile on his
face.
Francois raises his voice, “What? You insult me. I challenge
you to a dual.”
Everyone around them stops talking and turn to them,
watching them with interest.
William asks demanding, “Now?”
“Yes,
now.”
Comments
Post a Comment